Celtic Guardian Strikes Back!
by Sierra's Darkness
Summary: You always thought Celtic Guardian was so placid. He's not. A mishap by Dark Magician's staff sends him into a duel he wasn't supposed to be in. And he gives Yami a bit of lip, with Dark Magician and his apprentice. [One shot]


**Author's note:** Hey all! Whoo... Sorry for not being around for a while... my new computer's internal modem had a few... er, mishaps, and had to be fixed. The good news is, I wrote several one shots while the internet was down, and this is one of them. I hope you like it.

**Some notes:** _Dark Magician Girl_ is referred to as _Mana_, because I didn't know what else to call her. There's no pairings at all in this fic, though I am a fan of all pairings, shounen-ai, shoujo-ai or het. There may be some poking fun at characters, but it's only because of Celtic's personality. Just remember I'm a huge fan of Kaiba, Yami, and every other person/monster mentioned in this fic. Happy reading!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.

**Warning:** Maybe adult themes.

**-----**

**Celtic Guardian Strikes Back!**

One dark and gloomy day in the Shadow Realm, a bored Celtic Guardian and a wary Dark Magician were lounging around in the graveyard. Dark sat atop a gravestone elegantly, one leg crossed over the other daintily. Celtic sat cross-legged on the ground, absentmindedly tracing patterns in the dirt underneath him.

Celtic yawned in pure boredom, looked around, and grinned wickedly as his gaze landed on the purple clad mage. He spied the magician with his legs crossed, rather like a female, and decided to poke fun at him. He opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it. _'There's nothing else to do! I might as well tease Dark. Might get a fight outta him,'_ the playful elf thought.

Celtic tilted his head to the side innocently and pretended to scan the mage's form thoughtfully. Dark was idly looking at his surroundings, when the look of complete innocence on the elf's face caught his eye. He glanced out the corner of his eye at the 'naïve' elf and slowly turned his head around fully so he was looking straight in his direction. A look of suspicion quickly covered his features as he saw the look on Celtic's face. He was fully aware of the elf's mood. Playful, and far too mischievous for his own good.

Celtic tilted his head even further to the side and a wide smile worked its way across his face. His catlike eyes sparkled with mischief as he regarded the mage who was looking at him so cautiously.

Dark looked on warily. "What?" he asked with a sigh.

Celtic's smile got even wider, if possible.

The mage looked at him uneasily. "What?!"

Celtic blinked innocently. "What's the matter? You don't look too well," he spoke, trying not to start laughing.

Dark blinked and tried to glare at the elf. "Stop looking at me like that!" he said quickly. "You're creeping me out!"

"Ooohh, is Dark scared of little old me?!" Celtic asked in amazement. Dark cringed and slapped the heel of his palm to his forehead.

"NO! You're just in one of those moods."

"What moods?"

"The ones where you love to taunt me."

"Oh. _Those_ moods.

"Yeah, _those_ moods. "

Celtic wiped the innocent look off his face and smirked. Dark immediately looked at the elf suspiciously, folded his arms in front of his chest, and changed legs, crossing his left over his right.

"Dark?"

"Yes?"

"You sit like a girl."

"What?!"

"Heh. Yep, take a look."

Dark looked down at his legs and saw that his legs were indeed crossed. He didn't see anything wrong with that. "What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

Celtic rolled his catlike eyes. "Look at how your legs are crossed. Who sits like that?! Huh?!"

Dark looked perplexed at this and slowly uncrossed his legs. Celtic laughed at this and pointed a finger at the mage.

"Dark Magician _Girl_!"

Dark _hated_ that nickname with a passion. "Don't you _dare _call me that!" he yelled, standing up. He folded his arms over his chest yet again.

Celtic rolled around on the floor, laughing. "You-are-just-too-funny!" he said gleefully, between each laugh. Dark scowled and uncrossed his arms, placing his hands on his hips. Big mistake. Celtic caught sight of this and laughed ten times harder.

"You look all feminine!" he wheezed, laughing once again. Dark scowled even harder and tipped his hips to the side. Another mistake. This sent Celtic into another round of laughter.

"What is the matter with you?!"

"What's the matter with _me_? Dark, the question is, what is the matter with _you_?!" Celtic laughed, standing up and brushing the dirt off his cream pants.

Dark looked on, unamused by the elf's antics. "Just what is _that _supposed to mean?!"

Celtic cleared his throat and rolled his eyes. "It means you're just like a girl. I mean, come on. You have this long purple hair," he began, walking over to the mage and pulling his conical helmet off. He grabbed a lock of the mage's indigo hair and wound it around his finger. Dark scowled and grabbed his helmet off the elf. He pulled it back on his head and smoothed his hair out.

"And your point is?"

Celtic shook his head. "I'm only getting started." He tapped the mage's helmet. Dark slapped his hand away, causing the elf to roll his eyes at his friend. Celtic pointed down at Dark's boots. "Look at those, Dark. You're wearing boots that practically have _heels _and they come up to your _knees_. I don't know about you, but I've never seen anyone else wear these before. Except for our pal the Dark Magician _Girl_." Dark scowled at this.

Celtic smiled sweetly and continued, pinching some of the tight purple leather on Dark's upper arm, "And look at this stuff. You're wearing _leather_, Dark. _Leather_. Only Yami wears this kind of kinky stuff. How do you breathe in it?"

Dark made a face and removed Celtic's hand from his arm. "I don't see what's wrong with it. It's comfortable and I like the feel of it. And I don't know why Yami does. For the love of Ra, he wears _buckles _and so many straps he looks as if he's wearing a straight jacket."

Celtic shrugged. Dark had a bit of a point. "Still," he said airily, "you probably wear more leather than a cow." Dark groaned and pushed Celtic away. The elf grinned.

"What's the matter? Don't like being proven wrong, Dark Magician Girl?" Celtic asked, petting the mage's head rather hard. Dark pushed him further away and glared at his elven friend.

"Just get on with it," the mage huffed, crossing his arms over his chest once more. Celtic grinned.

"If you insist."

With that, he squatted down next to one of the spellcaster's unnaturally long legs. Dark looked down at him, perplexed.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" he asked, looking at the elf oddly. The warrior shrugged.

"Look at these," he started, poking Dark's leg. Dark blinked and moved his leg slightly out of the elf's reach. He said nothing, but waited for the younger monster to continue. "How do you wear these things? They're like a second skin! And they're really tight... leggings... or something..." he said, finding the mage's 'pants' somewhat unpleasant.

Dark glared at the elf and stepped away from him. "They're not _leggings_," he stated, rather annoyed. "And are you saying there is something wrong with my pants?!"

Celtic screwed his nose up in distaste. "Yes... for the love of Ra and everything Egyptian, they're so tight you can't tell where skin meets material! And how do you get them over your boxers?" he asked quizzically, reaching out to poke the mage's calf once again.

Dark calmly replied, "I don't wear boxers. I go commando."

Celtic stopped his poking and immediately backed up, a grossed out expression on his normally cheeky face. "Ew! Dark, I _really _didn't need to know that!" Dark smirked, satisfied with himself.

"Sure you didn't."

"Just what are you implying?!"

"Hmm? Nothing, nothing..."

"Dark! I'm straight as an arrow!"

"Suuuureee..."

Celtic gaped at the mage. "You think otherwise?!"

Dark shrugged. "Sure. If the helmet fits," he said coolly. Celtic stared at him, mouth still agape.

"You can't possibly think – "

"Oh, but my dear friend, I do."

Celtic swore random Egyptian obscenities and stomped his foot. Dark looked on in total amusement. His plan to bait the elf and divert the attention from the subject of how 'feminine' he was had worked. Extremely well, in fact. Dark was highly entertained by the elf's ranting and cursing. He looked like he was throwing a tantrum. _'Talk about beating him at his own game,'_ Dark mused, watching the elf in delight.

Celtic had apparently finished his little tantrum by the time Dark had begun to worry about the elf. The warrior turned on his heel and began to walk away from his so-called friend, until Dark called after him, "Celtic!"

The elf grumbled and ignored the mage's cries for him to stop and come back. He stomped out of Dark's eyesight and was nearly out of the graveyard when Dark decided to take drastic measures to stop the elf from sending the real Dark Magician Girl after him.

"Celtic, come back here! You stubborn ass of an elf!"

He twirled his emerald coloured staff in his hand dramatically and was about to point it in the elf's direction when –

"DARK!"

He stopped abruptly as the flouncing form of the Dark Magician Girl glomped onto his leg, making him point his staff in the wrong direction. The blast his staff emitted hit Celtic square in the back, and suddenly, the elf was gone. Dark forgot about the giggling mass attached to his leg and stared at the spot where the elf had been.

"Celtic! No!"

He continued to stare, open-mouthed, at the place where the elf had been, until he remembered the problem attached to his leg. He groaned and slapped the heel of his palm to his forehead as the smaller magician's head looked up at him, large emerald eyes full of wonder.

"Darky?"

Dark gritted his teeth. "Yes?" he ground out, trying to suppress his feelings of worry for his elven friend.

"Why did Celtic go bye-bye?" the young magician wondered, eyes full of questioning. Dark grunted. Yes, the girl was cute, and Ra knew he had a soft spot for her... but he needed to find his friend!

Dark gently pried the younger mage off his legs and held her at an arms length. "Listen. Celtic disappeared when my staff hit him the wrong way. Thanks to _someone_," he added under his breath. He shook his head and continued, "I have to get him back. _Now_. Before something bad happens. Stay here until I get back, alright?" He looked the blonde magician in the eye. She cocked her head and smiled a cute smile.

"Can't I come?" she asked. Dark sighed. She was the picture of innocence, and adorably cute, but he really needed to find the elf before he had a nervous breakdown.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, giving the other spellcaster a quick hug. "But I can't take you. I'll be back soon, okay?"

The Dark Magician Girl pouted. "Okay," she agreed reluctantly. "But let me help you!"

Dark stared. "What? Mana, no, don't do – "

But it was too late. The small mage had already swung her staff about in that oh-so cute way and was now pointing it at Dark, and then back to herself.

Dark yelled abruptly as he suddenly felt himself leave the graveyard, and be transported to somewhere else. Somewhere behind him, he heard the excited squeal of Mana as they both fell into what seemed like an endless oblivion.

**-----**

Celtic blinked when he felt himself standing on something solid once again, and looked around at his location. What he saw amazed him. He was standing next to one of the hologram projectors that a duel disk had released, and was facing some tall brunette with a trenchcoat that was apparently disobeying its master. He blinked again and turned around, and saw the bewildered expression on Yami's face. He was just as confused.

"What?" Yami asked no one in particular. "Celtic Guardian, I didn't summon you!"

Celtic just stood there blankly, still confused as hell. Yami scratched his head and seemed to think about it.

"Yami! Are you going to move, or what?!"

Celtic recognized that voice. It was none other than Seto Kaiba. He immediately moved his hand to the hilt of his sword and put his battle face on. He turned around and faced the brunette with the crazy trenchcoat. He didn't know how he got there, but he wasn't complaining. He looked over towards the sidelines and saw Joey, Tristan, Tea, Ryou and Duke standing there. He fought the urge to roll his eyes. Yami and Yugi's little cheerleading club. He was tempted to say something but knew he wasn't allowed.

Yami had apparently finished thinking about whatever it was he was thinking about, and had shrugged. "Oh well. Celtic Guardian, attack his lifepoi - "

Celtic was about to obey when a loud yell interrupted his attack. A large portal opened on Yami's side of the field and a purple mass of robes fell through with a loud yell, followed by a fluttering pink and blue bundle of clothes that was laughing giddily. Celtic blinked. It couldn't be...

Yami stood, shocked at what he had just seen. Was that his Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl?! How odd!

Dark groaned and sat up, helmet tipped to the side. He rubbed his eyes and saw Celtic standing in front of him, with a confused and somehow amused expression on his face. He then looked next to him and saw the giggling moving mass that was his apprentice. He groaned. _'Mana!'_

He stood up and fixed his purple robes, also putting his helmet back in its rightful position. He cleared his throat and coughed slightly, folding his arms and trading his look of mystification for his usual trademark smirk. He would have looked extremely dignified, had it not been for the still tittering bundle of cloth at his feet. The Dark Magician Girl was hidden underneath her robe, and she was still giggling uncontrollably. Dark slapped the heel of his palm to his forehead yet again and nudged the giggling girl with the side of his foot. "Ahem!"

Everyone had been in complete silence since the Dark Magician and his apprentice had made their entrance. All just stood with their mouths open, not believing what they were seeing. An undignified Dark Magician with a blonde magician giggling at his feet.

Mana realized her master had nudged her and immediately stood up, looking around, hair tangled. She placed her staff at her side and tried to do her signature trademark giggle.

Kaiba cleared his throat. "Ahem - Yami, can we get back to the duel?" Yami nodded slowly but glared at his Dark Magician, throwing him a look that said 'I'll deal with you later.' Dark gulped and turned around to face Kaiba and the one magic, spell or trap card he had on the field. He then realized Mana was still facing Yami's direction and sighed, grabbing her shoulder and turning her in the way they were meant to be facing.

Yami coughed and placed two cards face down. "Er, Celtic Guardian, attack his lifepoints directly!" he ordered, dramatically pointing a finger in the tall brunette's direction. Celtic was about to attack but thought better of it, deciding the day couldn't get any odder than it already had. He turned around to face Yami and leaned on his sword, a flippant look adorning his features.

"No."

Dark's eye twitched. _'Celtic did not just break the rules!' _Yami's mouth dropped open, along with everyone else's. Celtic smirked, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Celtic Guardian, what did you just – "

"I believe I said 'no'."

"I –but – you – "

"Yeesh! Are you dumb?! Wait, I shouldn't have asked that. I already know the answer!"

Kaiba wasn't shocked at the warrior's outburst, but was rather amused by it. "Well, Yami, it looks like you're finally getting what you deserve," he said, suppressing a chuckle.

Celtic turned to face him. "And you," he started," have an ego big enough to float a blimp. Don't you have any humbleness?!"

Kaiba looked at the monster in astonishment. "Why, I should just unplug Yami's duel disk and – "

Celtic snorted. "Ooohh, I'm scared," he said sarcastically. Dark decided he should stop this, before it got any more out of hand.

"Celtic," he spoke calmly, "that's enough."

Celtic smirked. "Fine."

Yami looked even more shocked. "You can talk too?!" he asked the Dark Magician, surprise written all over his features.

Celtic answered for Dark, "Yes, he can, you leather and buckle wearing pharaoh! Why I oughta – "

He was cut off by Dark grabbing his arm and yanking him towards a black portal he had made while Celtic was making his little declaration. "Come on, you silly elf!"

Dark pulled him into the black hole and into oblivion. He followed, but realized he had forgotten Mana. He reached back through the hole and grabbed the insanely giggling mage.

**-----**

Celtic landed with a loud 'thud!' on his rear. He winced and rubbed it, looking for any sign of the mage and his apprentice.

"Oh, Dark..." he said in a sing-song voice.

Suddenly, a heavy purple weight fell onto him, followed by a giggling mass of a magician's apprentice. Dark groaned and rubbed his sore head.

"That was _insane_," he grunted, pushing Mana out of his lap and onto the floor. She tittered and got up, wandering off to Ra knows where. Celtic moaned in pain and pushed the large weight of Dark off himself.

"Get OFF," he spoke loudly, holding his sore head.

Dark smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, Celtic," he apologized. Celtic grinned, and noticed the mage's helmet had fallen off. He ruffled the magician's indigo locks and laughed.

"No prob, Dark Magician _Girl_."

Dark yelled angrily and immediately attacked his friend, tackling him to the ground. "You shall pay!"

**-----**

**A/N:** Ok, there it is. I hope that was alright... it's been an idea I've had for a while. This one shot and the next will be followed up by a series of poems about Bakura Ryou, inspired by **Volcanic's** _'Broken & Nine other poems on Ryou Bakura'_. I'd like to thank her for the inspiration. See ya later!


End file.
